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Batman: A Word to the Wise
Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. And thank you for joining me on the final episode of "PSA Hell Month". ("PSA Hell" title is shown, with the word "Month" superimposed over the title) Linkara (v/o): This month, we've talked about bullies, drugs and gasoline elementals. (holds up index finger) However, we wouldn't have been able to learn about these various evils if we weren't able to read. (Cut to a shot of a comic from the store Zellers) Linkara (v/o): And who better to teach kids about reading than the Canadian discount store chain of Zellers? I know absolutely nothing about Zellers beyond that and what I can find on Wikipedia. Subsequently, I couldn't find information on the whys and hows of this comic's creation... (Cut to the inside cover, showing the mascot, Zeddy the teddy bear) Linkara (v/o): ...but the inside cover of the comic does invite kids to join the Zeddy's Cub Club and get free milk and cookies! Linkara: (excitedly) Oh, gee willikers! I get to be taught how to read and get free milk and cookies?! Boy howdy! Let's dig into (holds up today's comic) "Batman: A Word to the Wise" and learn more! (''AT4W title theme plays; title card has "R.O.C.K. in the USA" by John Mellencamp playing in the background. Cut to a closeup of the comic's cover)'' Linkara (v/o): This will be, I think, the third time we've traveled to Canada on this show. And strangely, it only seems to be for comics that are PSA- or propaganda-oriented. (Cut to shots of those comics, including "The Amazing Spider-Man: Skating on Thin Ice #1"...) Linkara (v/o): Spider-Man went there to track Electro and his drug-filled hockey pucks... (...and "Captain Tax Time #1") Linkara (v/o): ...Captain Tax Time taught us how the Canadian government was full of demons and managed to stop all crime forever and ever... (Cut back to "Batman: A Word to the Wise") Linkara (v/o): ...and now, it's Batman that's taking us there. Our cover is just kind of average: Batman and two kids in one corner, the Joker and his goons in the other, though the artwork is a little confusing on the placement of the kids. How big is Batman's cape here if the girl is that close behind him? Also, the placement of the boy's arm is... eyebrow-raising. (Smiling smugly, Linkara raises his index finger in the air) Background singers: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Linkara (v/o): There are also some weird proportions on the boy. Is it just me or does he have pipe cleaner legs compared to the average build above the waist? Also, with the way the boy is positioned, I'm not sure how Batman is supposed to be standing. It's like he's leaning himself over a bit too much. Or maybe the boy is elbowing him in the stomach? (The comic opens to the first page) Linkara (v/o): We open in Montreal, where Batman is swinging around. Narrartor: Montreal, Quebec: At the height of summer's heat-- Linkara: (as narrator) Hot time! Summer in the city! Back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty... Narrator: --on a night made hotter still by the pyrotechnics of the city's famous fireworks festival... Linkara: (as Batman, pretending to make a slapping motion with his hand) Oh, God! My cape is on fire thanks to the fireworks! Why did I clean it with gasoline?! Linkara (v/o): On the streets below, a bunch of kids are watching the fireworks. One kid, Billy, complains about how they can't see the fireworks very well. He spots a nearby fire escape on a nearby building and says they should go climb it to see the view from the rooftop. However, one of his friends spots a sign that says the building is condemned and they should keep out. Billy: Hey, what's keeping you guys? Aren't chicken, are you? (Cut to a clip of ''The Room)'' Johnny (Tommy Wiseau): Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheeeeeeep! (Cut back to the comic) Linkara (v/o): Kid must be The Flash or something, since he gets, like, three or four stories up before they call up to him, but none of them actually bother to yell at him that the building has been condemned, only that "it's not safe." Billy proclaims that it's perfectly safe, and of course, fate shakes its head at the kid and causes the fire escape to collapse. Billy falls over the edge, but Batman swings in and saves him. Batman: It's O.K., kid, I can't fly either! Linkara: (as Batman) Unlike that stupid Superman! (beat) I'm not jealous or anything! Linkara (v/o): Batman tells the kids he was just passing through and spotted what was going on. Batman: So what were you thinking of-- climbing up that crumbling deathtrap? Didn't you see all those signs? Linkara: (as Batman) Didn't it open up your eyes, you saw the sign? (points to camera) No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong! Billy: Sure I saw the signs! I...I just didn't bother reading them. Batman: Those signs are put there for a reason! Linkara: (as Batman, pointing to camera) Do you think "no parking" signs are put there for fun?! Do you, you little punk?! Linkara (v/o): Anyway, Batman swings off... aaaand that sequence had nothing to do with anything, other than the sign-reading PSA, because we cut to Toronto, where two teenagers and Joanie are talking to one another. Joey: Come on, Joanie--the Canadian National Exhibition won't wait forever! Linkara: Considering that you're already in Canada, isn't calling it the (makes a "finger quote") "Canadian National Exhibition" kind of redundant? Linkara (v/o): The girl, Joanie, tells the guy, Joey, that they'll go right after she picks up some history books from the library. Joey: But it's the middle of summer! We don't have to go back to school for weeks! Why waste time reading when you could be out having fun? Linkara: (as Joey, pointing to camera) Reading is never fun in any context whatsoever! Joanie: Okay, Joey, I'll try explaining it for the thousandth time... as far as I'm concerned, reading is fun! In books, I've been to places I may never get to see in real life... Linkara: (as Joanie) Imagining other places is much more interesting than actually visiting them. Joanie: ...spent time with fascinating people I may never get to meet! Linkara: (as Joanie) I've written erotic crossover fanfiction about the people I may never get to meet! (looks up) Oh, Harry Potter, you are Eragon's one true love! Joanie: Reading has opened up a million new worlds and new vistas for me, Joey--it can do the same for you! (Linkara dances to the ''Reading Rainbow theme)'' Background singer (Tina Fabrique): I can go anywhere... / Friends to know, and ways to grow / A Reading Rainbow... Linkara (v/o): Joey says he'll try it sometime, but wants to go to the exhibition. Joanie: Joey Ferro, you are absolutely hopeless! Linkara: Oh, yeah, wanting to go to an event that's only around for a limited time is such a waste! He should spend all his time reading books, which will still there when he gets back from the exhibition. (beat, then looks away) Wait... Linkara (v/o): Anyway, the two go inside, and the librarian there mentions that they've been taking inventory of a bunch of rare books. She then asks what Joanie needs. Joanie: Just checking in to see if those books I reserved have come in yet, Mrs. Lasalle. Librarian: But you only ordered them yesterday, dear. Joanie: I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so anxious to start reading! Librarian: Give the books a little time to get here--! Joanie: You know how it is, Mrs. Lasalle, when you get yourself completely lost in a new book and-- Linkara: (as Joanie) And I just gotta have my fix, lady! I need my fix! (hyperventilates) I need chapters! CHAPTERS! Linkara (v/o): The librarian gets called away, and Joanie accidentally picks up a book that said librarian had put on the table. I do actually like how subtle the motions are: the librarian sets down the book; Joanie, while talking to her, sets her books down on top of it; and then Joanie picks up the stack. Mind you, I'm wondering why she doesn't have a backpack for her books, but whatever. Meanwhile, Batman is driving between Montreal and Toronto in one of the sillier-looking Batmobiles that I've ever seen. Admittedly, it looks nice and roomy, but on the other hand, I can't seem to see any doors to get into the thing. Speaking of silliness, here's what Batman is thinking about... Batman: (thinking) What a truly beautiful drive this is... Beautiful farmhouses and lovely countryside... Linkara: (as Batman) I'm Batman, and I appreciate the natural beauty of the Canadian landscape. This guide is not complete. Please finish. 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